Uncle Bud’s Joke (not so funny)

Illustration of Uncle Bud, winkingUncle Bud tells the same joke every year at the first campfire, so every returning camper knows it by heart. And just before he gets to the end, we always interrupt by yelling out the punch line and laughing hysterically.

Here it is. But I warn you, it’s only funny if you’ve heard it a million times.

A man went into a restaurant with a gigantic, sharp-toothed monster on a leash.

“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” the waiter said, “Your creature looks extremely dangerous. You’ll have to tie him up outside.”

So the man took his monster outside and tied him to a post, then came back inside and ordered dinner. Just as he took the first bite, a little girl came into the restaurant and asked, “Does that terrible monster outside belong to anyone in here?”

Drawing of a gigantic, sharp-toothed monster on a leash next to a kitten
illustration by Georgie Sinkoff

“It’s mine,” said the man. “Is there a problem?”

“Well, I’m really sorry,” the little girl said, “But my tiny little kitten just killed him.”

“Killed him!?” The man shouted. “How?”

“She choked him,” the little girl replied.

The man waved his arms in the air and asked loudly, “How could your tiny little kitten choke my great big monster?”

The little girl looked at the man and said, “She got stuck in his throat.”

Uncle Bud needs a new joke. If you know a better joke or a worse joke, please tell it to me.

Book 2

Sneaking, snakes, and scary nights at the greatest summer camp anywhere!

from my book

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Comments from my Readers & Friends

  1. One day a lion went to the circus . The lion saw a clown . he ate him, after he bellowed “that tasted funny “

  2. Two guys go out to a restaurant. One falls in love with the other. The other rejects and calls the other gay. Why?

  3. My second joke:

    Q. I don’t have wings but I can cross a wide street without ever touching the ground. What am I?’
    A. A shout

  4. What did one leopard say to another leopard? Nope. Nope. Wanna know the answer? Is it just me, or does it feel like my skin is falling off?

    Don’t get it? In the bible, *religion alert* people with lepracy have been called leopards. (Leopracy is a highly contagious disease that eats away at your skin.)

    1. Haha! You are are a comedian, alright.
      The disease is spelled LEPROSY, not LEPRACY. And the people who got it were called LEPERS, not LEOPARDS. And leprosy is not very contagious. I looked it up.
      But your joke is very FUNNY!

  5. (the teacher tells a kid to find the first 5 letters of the alphabet)
    (big brother is doing homework)
    kid: brother what is the first letter of the alphabet?
    bb (big brother): be quiet and go away
    kid: okay!
    (little brother is watching batman)
    kid: what is the second letter of the alphabet?
    lb (little brother): duh duh duh bat man!
    (kid goes to dad)
    kid: dad what is the third letter of the alphabet?
    (dad watching football)
    (dad team makes goal)
    dad: oh yeah!!!
    (kid goes to sister, who is watching a girly movie)
    kid: sis what is the forth letter of the alphabet?
    sis: go away not now
    (kid goes to ma who is watching a bird society video)
    kid: ma what is the fifth letter of the alphabet?
    ma: they all ate birds & flew away
    (kid goes to teacher)
    teacher: what is the first letter of the alphabet?
    kid: be quiet and go away
    teacher: excuse me! who do u think u are?
    kid: duh duh duh bat man!!!!!
    teacher: do u want to go to the princabale office?
    kid: oh yeah!!!!
    teacher: go to the princable now!
    kid: not right now go away
    (kid goes to princal office and looks at a bird picture)
    kid: they all ate worms and flew away!
    the end 🙂

  6. q:i have 6,000,000 eyes, 200 heads, and 10 arms. What am I?
    a: plain old ugly

  7. so an officer pulls up a man and says congratulations you just won 100,000,000 for being caught wearing your seatbelt what are you going to do with the money? well.. replies the man, I might go to driving school and get a drivers license. the lady next to him says oh don’t worry officer he acts like this when he’s drunk. the guy in the back seat says oh shoot! I knew we wouldn’t get too far with the stolen car. a man in the trunk says did we cross the border yet?

  8. to men walk into a bar.the first man says to the bartender “dont take a wodden nickel!” everyone laughs. the end.

  9. Q: do zombies eat donuts with there fingers? A: no, they usually eat there fingers separately

  10. Q: If I had 7 apples in one hand and six in the other, what would I have?
    A: Big Hands!

  11. Teacher: Didn’t I tell you to stand at the end of the line?
    Student: Yes, but there was was someone there already!

  12. Q. A rooster lives really close to the US/Canada border, but he lives in Canada. He runs over to the US and lays an egg. Then he runs back to Canada. So which country does the egg actually belong to?

    A. Neither. Roosters don’t lay eggs, hens do!

  13. ok so a creeper (look it up on the internet if you dont know what it is) was at the shop to buy tnt and the cashier said: why dont you just blow up instead of using tnt? and the creeper said Why should i blow myself up? Imediently the creeper explodes destroying the store. my big brother telld me this joke all the time its not funny anymore


  14. I have a joke book with a joke thats not funny at all!!!!!

    How do you tell a rabbit from a gorilla?

    A rabbit doesn’t look like a gorilla.

    Its the worst joke in the world!!!!! 🙁

  15. Q In the world of elves who live in the united states there is a blue man lives in a green house,a green man lives in a blue house. A red man lives in a grey house, a grey man lives in a red house. a white man lives in a black house. Who lives in the white house?

    A The president

  16. Ok
    Q.Ur in a one story house and everything is blue
    The piano is blue, the table is blue, the couch is blue,
    What color are the stairs?
    A. It’s a one story house, there are no stairs!!!!!

    1. Haha!
      Here’s one for you.
      Q: How does a deaf man indicate to a hardware clerk that he wants to buy a saw?
      A: He says, “I’d like to buy a saw.”

  17. Q:You are in a room with indestructible walls, floor, and ceiling with no doors or windows. All you have is a chainsaw and a mirror. How do you get out?

    A:You cut the mirror in half because two halves make a hole (whole)

  18. The oldest joke is I think 4,000 years old about a woman farting on a husband. I guess this is how comedy was back in Egyptian days.

    1. Yeah, but everyone laughs at it anyway…every year. (Just to make him feel good, I think.)

  19. Teacher: What do you call the outside of a tree?
    Student: I don’t know.
    Teacher: Bark.
    Student: Woof woof!

  20. have you heard the story of the duck to a store and buying bread he went up to the cashier and the cashier asked “do you want to pay with money or credit?’ the duck replied “just put it on my BILL.”

  21. Why did the psychic chicken cross the road? To get to the “other side”… how are they Cheesie?

  22. I got one. You are in a room with no doors and no windows and a dirt floor. All you have is a full glass of water. How do you escape?

  23. I also got a joke too! Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the Death Star? To get to the Dark Side! (If you guess “To join the Dark Side,” that’s still acceptable.)

  24. Here is a good one. Imagine you are stuck on a island surrounded by jumping sharks.How do you get off? give up? The answer is stop imagining.

  25. Two boys go to the zoo. They go to the gorilla house and one boy waves. The gorilla waves back. The boy dances. So does the gorilla. The boy sticks his thumb up. The gorilla goes berserk and attacks him. The doctor tells the boy that sticking up your thumb is like “the middle finger” in gorilla language. The boy comes up with at trick. He takes a real hammer and a toy hammer. He goes back to the gorilla. He tosses the real hammer into the cage. He hits himself hard on the head with the toy one. The gorilla gives him a thumbs up. How is it cheesie?

  26. Also, I got a joke from my friend during third grade.
    Why dik the cactus cross the road?
    A: The chicken was stuck to it! (I know that was painful.)
    I got another one, but it’s a riddle:
    Imagine you’re in a house with no door, no windows, and no way to get out. How can you get out?

    1. ho son, here’s a joke Pop might like:

      Knock Knock
      Who’s there?
      Moo who?
      Cows go moo moo not moo who!

      So i hope you liked my joke even though Pop probably will say it’s as old as him ( is it possible for anything to be as old as him. Ok son, got to go now! )


    2. Okay. This is getting a bit ridiculous. My father would never make a grammar mistake (“as old as him” when it should be “as old as he”). Stop impersonating my family…please!

  27. i know a good joke! O.k? oh o.k! 3 men were going to the desert.one brought some water the next one brought some food and the last one brought a car door.Why did the last one bring a car door?!?!?!? so he could row down the window when he gets hot!!!!!!!!!!!! isn’t that funny??????????????????????????

    1. My dad thought that the joke doesn’t make any sense, but I thought it is hilarious!

  28. I’ve got a puzzle for you: if you say all of these words quickly together, it will sound like something. Here it is: Hungary Florida Turkey.

    answer: Hungry for the Turkey!

  29. Q:he who has it doesn’t tell it
    he who takes it doesn’t know it
    he who knows it doesn’t want it
    what is it
    A:counterfeit money

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